"Cold winds have swept the harvest land，and laid to waste my field of dreams, and scattered wide the ripening seeds,which drift to earth upon the morrow,to die or bring forth choking seeds,and bless the havest of my sorrow."
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“it is a curious story,the older we get ,the more we lose that divine confidence,which is the treasure of youth,and the fewer are those moments when we belive that what we have done is any goods,nowadays,I am rarely satisfied with myself,and almost never feel that what I do is successful,I am burdened with a harvest of sorrow.But there is another burden,heavier still,unknow to me in my youth,it is that I have no country,you mustknow that I was forced to leave my homeland,where I was struggled and suffered all the sorrow of the young,and where I really did achieve great success.Now the whole world is open to me,success apparently,awaits me everywhere,and one place only remains closed to me,and that is my own country,the land where I was born."
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我想，我喜欢，或者说深爱拉赫玛尼诺夫，从第一次听到这个名字开始，从听到第二钢琴协作曲的第一个音符开始，从第一次看到这部纪录片里他的独白开始。生命中应该有那些个相遇，神秘莫测而又极具诱惑，让人一见倾心并且无理由地深陷。他的名字，音乐，如同俄罗斯那块广袤无垠的土地，空旷辽远却又带着深沉的况味。我其实并不懂音乐，听古典也只是因为他们带给我的平静和深邃安然的喜悦。当然，我喜欢莫扎特，贝多芬，李斯特，肖邦，柴可夫斯基，喜欢莫扎特的活泼乐观，贝多芬的雄壮浑厚，李斯特的绚烂华彩，肖邦的诗意忧郁，老柴的缠绵委婉……可是，拉赫玛尼诺夫音乐中深沉的悲凉却可以在瞬间攫住我的心，让心无限下沉下沉，直至沉至谷底或者坠入地狱，我数次问我自己为何总喜欢这种过分的悲壮苍凉，却没有答案，类似的只是让我想起一本张爱玲文集的封面上的一句话：”人生有飞扬，我飞扬不起来；人生有热闹，可是我热闹不起来。我可以逃离一切，但我逃不出这生命的苍凉。苍凉是飞扬与热闹之中的安稳与真实。“
所以我一直带一种冷冽苍凉的眼光，一种沉郁悲壮的心情看这部片子，一如片头的基调，即便是那些泛舟湖上或者社交场上觥筹交错的时候，我的心里也如有寒冽的秋风裹挟重重苍凉呼啸而过。这不是一种轻松愉快的观影体验，我的心时常被浓重的悲哀压垮，在某些片段几欲落泪。我带着我的深重的苍凉与悲壮之情企图去理解片中的拉氏，企图去与他对话，然而却终究不得要领。
年少如我，生命中从未有过如此厚重的沧桑与悲凉境遇，所以终究表达不好。我敬重这种厚重的悲壮只是因为我觉得唯有这种悲才能承载生命的磅礴宽大和厚重。我不是不喜欢那些轻快的乐符篇章，巴洛克的水上音乐、各式各样的圆舞曲以及欢乐的音符让我心欢快喜悦如在琴键上舞蹈，只是那一切却只似是瞬间的事情，是某天抽到幸运签时的助兴，是某时得到眷顾时候的添彩。而那些苍凉呵，却似随行的阴影永不离去。
